This morning, like every morning I drive to take Buggy and Princess to school.  And like every morning before they get out of the car and start their school day, I give them each a hug and big kiss and I get a big hug and kisses from them too along with a “bye mom” or “see ya later mom”.  Princess always and I mean ALWAYS looks back and blows me a kiss and I of course return the blown kiss.  It’s a memory I’ll always cherish. What a wonderful way to start my day huh?  It is, it really is.  Buggy gets out as he returns he teacher’s “Good Morning, how are you today?” with a “good morning, I’m doing good today”.

But as I was driving off today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like a flood of memories all of a sudden. It wasn’t always like this.  Princess always gave me a kiss and has blown kisses at me every school day since her first day of kindergarten but Buggy no, things have changed.

It must have been the first two or three years of school that he would just climb out of the car.  He wouldn’t return my efforts to say goodbye  though I continued to try everyday as well as wish him a good day at school. He didn’t kiss me in the mornings after I’d give him a kiss.  He wouldn’t respond or even acknowledge a teacher’s greetings.  It was as though he didn’t even hear it. He’d walk right into the school without so much as a glance back.  All part of this thing called autism. I remember driving off in the car and crying, just wishing for “goodbye mom” or a glance or blown kiss but it didn’t happen. Not for so many school days.

Wow, that seems so long ago now.  He’s changed so much. He’s so social now. He won’t get out of the car if he hasn’t given me my morning kiss or at the very least blown me a kiss and say “kisses” if he’s being rushed out of the car by the school staff.  If we’ve had a rough morning and he gets out of the car still upset at me, I’ll still wish him a good day and tell him I love him. Sometimes he won’t respond but by the time I get back to the house I always get a phone call from his teacher and she puts him on the phone. He’s usually so upset that he didn’t tell me goodbye that he feels bad and needs to call and tell me.  I reassure him once again I love him and as soon as he sees me later that day, I usually get another apology, the biggest hug and kisses.

As emotional as those flashbacks can be, they are good reminders of growth. He’s feeling those emotions he didn’t feel before. He’s getting those connections.  It’s just simply amazing to see how much he’s grown physically, mentally, emotionally.

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.

The other day after some of our photos and videos went corrupt for no apparent reason, I began going through and reorganizing our pictures and videos.  I had them all over the place and couldn’t tell which ones we lost and which were ok.  I even had some duplicates.  Once I reorganized them, I caught hubby and myself looking at them. Some I hadn’t seen or realized he took and some I took that he hadn’t seen.

He came across a video of Buggy having a major meltdown in the car from several years ago and asked me about it.  I didn’t even have to look at the video, I knew exactly which video he was talking about, where we were, what happened that triggered it and why he wasn’t there for it.  It all came rushing back to me so clearly as though it was yesterday.  Buggy and Princess saw the video as well since they were within earshot and since they are nosey kiddos they stopped to watch.

Buggy immediately recalled the situation. And then this conversation immediately ensued without a word from either hubby or I.

“Boy that was a really bad meltdown huh mama?” – Buggy

“Yes, baby it was, but you’re not like that anymore are you?” – Mommy

“Mommy, can you get rid of that video?” – Princess

And just as I was about to say something, Buggy puts his hand on his sister’s shoulder and interrupted with this: “It’s ok sister, I’m not like that anymore. ”

Then he turned to me and said, “I’m a big kid now mama. I’m sorry I got so angry in the car when I wanted a smoothie”

What? Did he really just recall that meltdown and why it happened from FOUR years ago?  It always appeared to us as though he would go in the rage of a meltdown and not even remember it happened but now he can recall the entire situation?

“I know now I can’t have the smoothies at HEB and it’s ok” – Buggy.

I’ll admit the video was hard to watch. Heartbreaking to see him like that. I hardly even remember those times till something like this brings it all back but how enlightening it was to hear Buggy’s take on it all.  To hear his side, in his own words.  To hear him say that he’s not like that any more.  To realize it upset his sister and to try to calm her fears/concerns. In some way I’m glad we came across that video  all of us together so all of us together could stand back and see just how far Buggy has come.

He’s not the same little boy he used to be.

The doctors who told us he’d never change couldn’t have been more WRONG.

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.

I was talking to a friend the other day and we hear things like “Oh, I’m so sorry”, or how do you “fix” him, or “cure” him when we mention our child has autism.  It’s so frustrating. For one thing there is no reason to be sorry about. My child isn’t broken or sick.  He doesn’t need fixed or cured. We love our children unconditionally.

And then we started talking about all the wonderful aspects of our children that we wouldn’t change for the world. It’s what makes them so special.

The way he still giggles at the same things he did when he was three.

The way he sees the world. It’s fascinating.

The way he looks at life. There are no gray areas. It’s either right or it’s wrong. You’re either following the rules or you’re breaking them.

The way he trusts without question.

They way he loves so genuinely and so deeply.

They way his heart soars at someone’s joy and hurts so deeply when others hurt.

They way he says things so matter of fact.

They way he makes me laugh.

The way he makes me smile.

The excess of kisses and hugs I get from him.

The way he calls me “mama”.

How special he makes me feel.

The way he makes my heart overflow with joy.

These are just some of the amazing things about my child. So don’t ever feel sorry for us or him.  He is AMAZING!

No it isn’t always easy but it’s always worth the joys.

You must have a million more things you love about your child.  Tell me some, I’d love to hear them.

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.

Before I explain that title “An A+ Can Mean So Much More Than a Score” let me tell you about one of Little Bug’s accommodations at school.  For the last two school years the kids have been learning their multiplication tables.  Well, needless to say this was a tough one for Little Bug to grasp.  I realize it’s difficult for many of us at his age but for him it was more difficult than for his peers

So in order to help him, as one of his accommodations he was provided with a multiplication chart to use, a “cheat sheet” as it was referred to by his instructors and in his I.E.P.  I assumed it would be there for him to use to practice with. Nope, they decided he would use the “cheat sheet” for any and all instances where multiplication was involved.  Despite my repeated efforts, it was given to him for practice, classroom assignments, quizzes, tests including timed ones which always resulted in 100′s of course and one was even sent home for him to use with his homework. (Needless to say, he wasn’t allowed to use it for homework except as a way to check his homework.)  This to me was not teaching him his multiplication.  We quizzed him in the car, had competitions with his sister in the car, did flashcard races, anything we could think of while the school continued to force him to use the “cheat sheet” for every multiplication assignment for two straight school years.  Drove me nuts but that’s a whole other story.

Fast forward to today, I dropped by the school and was stopped by one of his teachers.  She was so excited and had to share some news with me. We were both excited that his comprehension score for last year to this year increased over the summer but she also wanted to tell me Little Bug did a multiplication test recently that he didn’t use the “cheat chart” on and he scored 100!  He did it! On his own!

I was honestly in tears when I came home and sent my husband a message telling him about it.  He was just “ecstatic” about it as well.  This wasn’t just a grade just a score, it was a triumph – a success. One we have been working to overcome for two years!  I shared it with my friends on chat and I wanted to share it with you too. I could scream it from the rooftops right now. I won’t but will go cry some more happy tears now.

Please always believe in and teach your child to believe in themselves.

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.

One thing I’ve said on more than one occasion is that the hardest part of being a parent is knowing whether or not you are making the best choices for your child.  When it comes to autism, seems there are so many more choices: speech therapy, social skills groups, supplements, medications, neurofeedback therapy, diet, occupational therapy, on and on and on.

So how do you know when it’s time to try something else?  We’ve done EEG’s, we’ve done the diet, the supplements, the speech therapy, the social skills group therapy, the occupational therapy, the diet.  Seems like we’ve done it all.  But have we seen any results?

It’s hard to say.  Yes, we’ve seen progress but is it just maturity as he’s gotten older?  Is it the four years of speech and social skills group? or something else we’ve done along the way.  We’ve worked hard with Little Bug since we allowed ourselves to understand what autism is and how it affects our lives.

To be completely honest with myself, I think the supplements and diet have played a part in getting his body a little healthier although he’s never been sickly. As far the supplements and diet are concerned I don’t really feel as though they have had any impact on his cognitive abilities.

Private speech therapy I feel has done a lot for him.  His speech therapist is very good with him and I think the social skills group he’s been in has also helped tremendously.  I think maturity has also played a very large part in his growth.

But when is it time to try something new?  How long do you give a method before you just say no more, it isn’t working?

These are just a few of the many questions floating back and forth in my head searching for an answer, the right answer.

I don’t like all this trying although I know if we didn’t try we’d never find what works for him, what helps him cope and understand life and where he fits into it all.

So many questions, so many choices, so many directions to go.  In the end, all I want is for my little bug to live his life to his fullest potential and abilities.  A life full of love, hopes and dreams fulfilled.

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.

My kids are very affectionate with us. Somedays Princess and Little Bug look over at us or they come up and give us hugs and kisses for no reason and tell us they love us.  It just fills my heart with joy at the love they shower us with.

But then there are days when frustration gets the best of them especially Little Bug and he says things that hurt. They aren’t intentional but still as a mom they still hurt. Sometimes with kids typical or not get, they upset at their parents and say things they don’t mean. I remember Little Bug once told me he didn’t love me anymore and it just broke my heart. I remember just crying and crying cause the words cut through me like a knife. Then I had to stand back and realize he didn’t mean it. He was just upset and was unable to truly tell me what he was feeling so he just let whatever words that popped into his head come out. As he’s gotten older it’s become more apparent that his frustrations get the best of him and he just blurts out whatever it is that crosses his mind and in a tone that isn’t very polite. It isn’t intentional, it’s frustration.

Just the other day was no different. Once again the words, “I don’t love you mommy. I want a new mommy” came flying out of his mouth but you know what, this time it didn’t hurt. It didn’t hurt because I was aware this time of his frustration. I know he was angry at his inability to do his assigned task. He was frustrated with what he couldn’t do. I just happened to be the closest one to him. After his intense tears, angry outbursts, overwhelming frustration and three and half hours of working on just one homework assignment we got through it all.

Yes, angry words he didn’t mean came out but they were just that, words. Fleeting words that were his only means of releasing the frustrations built up inside him. Not words of hate, not words meant to hurt, just words.

It’s in these instances I see two things: 1) the frustrations within that my Little Bug has to deal with every moment of his life and 2) the growth in myself he has taught me.

For once the anger and frustration is gone, the loving, caring child returns, worn out, tired, drained and asking for forgiveness. One day, we will get past this and these hard days will be long forgotten but never will I forget each and every gentle kiss, giant hug or the smallest of expressions of love both my children give me.

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.

I sit here with tears rolling down my face and a lump in my throat as I write this out.  No I’m not a total emotional wreck.  I just witnessed my Little Bug feeling so very, very important and so very much like every other child.  He was just smiling from ear to ear.  His self-esteem raised to the limits, just beaming with pride.  He didn’t feel different, he didn’t feel lonely, he didn’t feel like a child looking at life from the outside. He felt like he fit in, like he was part of something grand.   All this caused by one simple act of kindness.

Let me take you back to this morning’s conversation.

Little Bug, “I’m going to have lunch with my friends today mom, ok?”

Me: Ok Bug, you going to have lunch with your friend, XX?

Little Bug:  No, I’m going to sit by myself. I don’t have any friends. (Princess chimes in, “I have lots of friends”, and she does and I’m happy about that.)  My heart just broke for Little Bug though  as I know how sad it makes him not to have friends.

Me:  I don’t want you to sit by yourself, baby.  It makes me sad.  Why don’t I come and then you can decide.

So, that’s what I did. We sat, unpacked his lunch then he noticed a girl he’s known for several years now sitting with his aide, Ms. E.  He quickly gets up and says, “mom, you can go, I want to sit over there” and he gets up and sits down on the other side of the assistant with this great, big smile on his face.  The teacher then speaks to him and asks if he’d like to join them every Wednesday for lunch.  I don’t think he replied so she looked at me and asked if it was ok.  Of course, I said yes, just seeing how it made him feel how could I not.

This one simple act of kindness from an instructional assistant touched my heart in such a way that I drove home in tears, good tears, tears of happiness from seeing my Little Bug feel so special and happpy.  Thank you Ms. E.

Remember it doesn’t take a lot to make a difference in the life a child and not just a child with autism but any child.

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.

This past Friday I had the privilege to be on a conference call with Holly Robinson Peete of The Talk on CBS along with some other moms.  She answered some of our questions, spoke of her own experiences and shared her new connection with OpenSky and how together they will raise funds for The HollyRod Foundation which supports families coping with autism.

I know I wasn’t the only mom on the call misty and holding back tears as we related to the same experiences in our lives from the kick in the stomach feeling when the doctor gives you the diagnosis and tells you your child will never do this or that to the challenges Autism brings to not just your child’s life but to your marriage and your family as a whole.

I’d like to share with you some of the highlights and quote Holly’s words from that conversation.

Autism affects 1 in every 110 kids. Every 15 minutes a child is getting diagnosed.

The diagnosis:

“The journey starts with the diagnosis.  You hear a doctor tell you that your son has autism and it is like a swift kick in the gut – it really is.  And all of a sudden in one moment you have to change all of your ideas and expectations and everything you really thought. All of a sudden someone tells you what your kid – who’s only 3 at the time – will never do in his lifetime.  It was a very difficult day.”

Balance in Life:

“. . . There really is no balance. You have some good days, and you have some days where you drop the ball. There really is no sense of pure balance.  From my perspective, there are days I really achieve what I want to and then there are days I don’t do so well and I have to keep encouraging myself and patting myself on the back to move forward.  In essence though, I feel so motivated by the change I see and the change I can affect. I think if you can find something you’re passionate about, that is what helps you move forward everyday. Advocating on behalf of the children and families affected by autism has become my therapy in a way and makes me feel like I am making a difference in other peoples’ lives and not just wallowing in my own situation.”

Your spouse:

“I’ve been saying for a while now that on paper Rodney and I shouldn’t be married. He was in denial way too long in my opinion. I think talking to other fathers and having conversations about this, sharing their feelings, is key. But trying to get a father to share his feelings is tough. On The Talk last week we did a Daddy roundtable where we let the fathers give each other advice. I got choked up afterwards because it was my dream come true to have Rodney come on the show and be involved like this. It was great, we got a lot of terrific feedback. But It took us a long time to get there.  I’d say to the moms be a little patient. I wasn’t so patient with Rodney. I was so focused on my son and not on my marriage. In hindsight I would be more sensitive now to how he needed to process the diagnosis on his own in his own time. Men process things differently and you need to be supportive of each other.”

Siblings:

“Siblings are key. It’s important to make sure they are part of the journey and part of the process of helping. There’s nothing like having 2 annoying little brothers to help bring you out of your shell. My daughter and I co-wrote a book called My Brother Charlie.  She has become his biggest advocate.   I always wish I had done more one on one time with all of my kids. You have to make sure you give them the individual attention they need.  It’s been a big family journey and a learning curve for all of us. It’s important to take special time to pay attention to the other siblings because they may feel left out.”

The HollyRod Foundation focus on family rather than research:

“Well you hear about so many more polarizing subjects in the media like vaccines and you see a lot of upset parents and I felt like people were forgetting to talk about what families have to deal with on a daily basis. It’s not as glamorous a topic for the press. Every time there’s a new study on vaccines CNN calls me up and wants me to comment but the day-to-day struggle gets less attention. That why I was especially proud about what I was able to do on The Talk this month because we were able to bring up subjects that are not typically discussed in mainstream media and really address them.”

Can you relate?  I certainly could and I whole heartedly agree with all these points.  We have to care for our marriage, care for our other children, focus on not just our child’s challenges but work to overcome those challenges together as a family unit.  All coming together in our own time.

I thank Holly for being a voice for autism awareness and for bringing attention to the needs of the whole family!

© 2011, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.