Got a call last night, my grandma is in the hospital. I’m 300 miles away and I just feel numb. I’m fine for a bit then then lose it and cry then I’m ok again for a little while then I cry some more. I hate being so far away from her especially now. I’ve been sitting here all day trying to make myself do something, think, get up and move, something, anything but I just can’t. I just want to hold her hand. She’s afraid and she’s hurt. She doesn’t know who anyone is anymore, what time of day it is or where she is. She’s just scared being in the hospital. Strangers all around her even though those who love her and wish she could remember are right there by her bed side. I just want to hold her hand.
I’m so grateful my dad and mom can be there for her. They can hold her hand, they can rub her feet. They can feed her. They can do everything I wish I was there doing. They can tell her how much I love her but it’s not the same. I want to hold her hand. I want to be the one who is there to help calm her fears. I want to be able to tell her I love her. Will she remember me? Probably not but that’s okay. I just need to be near her. I need to hold her hand.
She needs to be cared for and that means a nursing home after she leaves the hospital in a day or so. It breaks my heart to know she’ll never return to her home, her safe place. But I know this is best for her well being. She can’t be at home anymore, she just can’t. I worry, will she be able to adjust, will she be taken care of well enough. I can’t be there everyday to go see her. I don’t want her to be alone. I don’t want her to be scared. I know dad and mom will be there everyday to see her, I know they will but I also know what a toll this will take on them. Just let her find peace, somewhere in her mind, a time when she was happy and all in her world was peaceful, let her live in that happiness for the rest of her time here with us.
I love you with all my heart grandma. Te amo con todo mi corazon abuelita.
Grandma and I on my wedding day.
© 2012, Nanette Gomez. All rights reserved.
{ 1 comment }
Such a touching story. I kind of know how you feel. My grandma is 86 and her mind is starting to go. So sad.
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